I'm eating all of the evidence.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
