new low.... made out with someone while peeing
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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