I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize