Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
