Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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