And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
