I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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