thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
