I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize