you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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