...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
