Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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