god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
