Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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