When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
