i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
