ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
