Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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