Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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