I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
