nutella sex= disaster
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
