1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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