If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize