OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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