Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
