Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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