3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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