1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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