If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
