You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
