Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
