You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize