im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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