I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
