You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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