You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
