yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
