she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
