took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
