It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
