I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
