Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
