i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had to cum in my sink.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
