After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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