I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
