why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
