She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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