i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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