mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
