Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're too hungover to prance.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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