if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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