??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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