she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
