I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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