I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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