Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
