my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
