Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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