Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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