I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and she was petting her beer can
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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