my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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