I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize