dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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