Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
