Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
