dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
