Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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