Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Fuck appropriateness.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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